Finding the meaning

Often I try to find the meaning behind in the pain,
turning over and over
in my mind, attempting to see a figure
in the circumstances that caused me pain.
But I realize today
there is no meaning to these circumstances,
no fault, no place where either of us
went wrong.
There can be dramatic distraction,
You did this and therefore I did that, such
an endless feedback loop.
But in honesty,
there is no where to throw the pain.
Nor is there meaning in the pain.
It is just pain.
There is only meaning in the connection
between this pain and where I go
from here.

Empathy / Compassion

I recently finished Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, which I started in Portland due to some cravings for good fiction. The author raised interesting questions about what separates humans from androids, the main difference being empathy. The story complicates that distinctive guideline. The humans need to get a regular dose of empahty by fusing with a spiritual / religious figure called Mercer via an "empathy box". This ritual questions the innateness of such empathy. Perhaps it is the extreme lack of life and harsh conditions that necessitate this kind of upkeep by the characters in this world.

Philosophies aside, what I myself believe about empathy is more in line with the Tibetan Buddhists: that empathy, or, to be more precise, compassion, is indeed an innate human potential and that it can be generated by getting in touch with that. I think people, due to ignorance, egotism, or severe traumas, can block empathy.

I was just thinking about empathy during lunch today, lying on the grass reading my book on adrenal fatigue. There was an old Chinese lady nearby. Like most of the elderly in Chinatown, wearing homemade pajama-like clothes under a vest, a soft bucket hat on her head to protect her from the afternoon sun. She was just sitting there, with her pink plastic grocery bag. A few minutes later, I looked up and noticed she was vigorously slapping her legs. She did this for a good 10 minutes or so before standing up and shaking her arms. This site is not particularly unusual around Chinatown. A lot of the old folks do Tai Chi at nearby Lake Merritt BART. But something about her touched me, and I immediately wished I could help her. I would imagine she's got some leg pain, perhaps swollen joints. I just fet for her pain and her achiness, the burden on her arched back of walking around downtown (where the drivers are really agro) getting groceries.

Old people are like children in a lot of ways. More vulnerable. Also they become again kind of soft and fuzzy and more alike. Their distinct identities & features kinda melt away. I'm sure she reminded me of my gramma, who passed away nearly 2 years ago. She had that same softness, the same oversized swollen joints, the same kind of movements. And that same quiet way of going about her day, taking care of herself. Kinda lonesome. I guess I talk about empathy because I just felt a mysterious love for her.

I guess I bring up my gramma because in a lot of ways humans seem to empathize based on their experiences. I tend to have a lot of empathy for elderly Asian folks probably because of my love for my own grandparents, and especially for old ladies because I loved my grandmother a lot. It made me think about how important, and how potent are the seeds of kindness and love that my gramma planted all the time. Just knowing her, having an experience with such a warm, loving, patient woman makes me really feel for anyone I associate with her. It made me think about the importance of being the kind of person I'd like to see in the world, planting seeds of kindness and leading a meaningful life of love and service to others, not just for the immediate effect on those I help, but because that kind of energy radiates outward in amazing ways. If I know that the way my gramma lived her life inspires me to really love so many others, then I know any example I make will have lasting effects. There's no doubt about that.
There's only illusion, which the world in everyday life manages to cast on us each day: my job is so important, my image is so important, I must get xyz done, I'm so upset about this thing that happened or that person... the endless variety of samsara, as Buddhists say.

And there's ignorance (let's not forget our own responsibility in creating illusion). And in a lot of ways, we are limited by experience. But as said before, I also feel there's an unlimited human potential to generate compassion. Even though, for myself, it comes most naturally from feelings associated with my own experiences (e.g. with people I know), compassion can also be generated through contemplation. HH Dalai Lama is always telling his disciples that in his teachings: generate compassion.

For me, in generating compassion, it helps to think about rebirth: that we all have had millions of births, millions of manifestations as life, from a plant to a seahorse to a bear, to any of all of humanity and other life. And at some point, most of us have been related to one another. So I try to think about that a lot -- how anyone I meet could have been my sister or my mother or my lover in another life. And it makes me respect and value others a lot more.

Why I paint people

An ocean is perfect in and of itself.
In fact, it just is. We have to say that it's in and of itself because we are human.
There is no reason for me to paint an ocean.

But humans are a cocktail of stuff, experiences, conditions, habits.
Humans are a patchwork, among the most difficult subjects to capture.
Even the essence of a cow is clearer than the essence of a human.
I have painted others successfully, but have the most difficult time with self-portraits.

But some of us struggle to evolve.

So a search for identity, if it is a puzzle
made puzzle by forces beyond our control,
that can put us through such a struggle.

And the point is not to say I'm Asian American artist anti-imperialist WOMAN, and more,
though these be great mysteries to uncover,
the point is blessed are we who are searching through a heartfelt way
that truth, we don't know who we are.

independence...

subtle distinctions:

independence.not isolation.not turning a blind eye to one in need.

we are meant to be interdependent for survival. we are meant to be independent for in our own purpose. we are meant to look to others for help. we are not meant to look to others for validation.

Intention goes a long way

This goes along with my realization that you definitely reap what you sow.

One problem I've been grappling with, and which is so culturally pervasive here in the US, is a lack of commitment to virtually anything except a job. Not even marriage really means a commitment, most people wouldn't commit to it without the legal contract.

But getting away from most people and back to me: A friend of a friend sent me this anonymous quote. how appropriate:

until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. all sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. a whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no wo[man] could have dreamed would come her way.

my mind flashes back to a few relationships gone bad, all because neither of us were committed. in the SF bay area (and i am guessing most American cosmopolitan urban settings), we have this illusion, because of the luxury of so much diversity and access to the best of a lot, that we can pick and choose AND have control over it all. and so we wait on something until something better comes along. so it's funny to think about those relationships again and realize what a waste of time they were. "Let's just see how it goes," we tell ourselves in our liberal intellectual way. as if life wouldn't go its own way anyway. but telling that of each other is control.

and then we wonder why love never happened. or why, outside of the area of relationships, other miraculous things don't happen. self-defeating inability to let go of control. distractions that lead nowhere. ventures down streets we know (and sometimes admit) will lead to dead ends.

this is where i am finally getting what i've heard a lot, especially from Mahayana Buddhists, intention is important. life is conditional (hey, it's not news), and we never have the promise of certainty. but intention is real energy. it goes a long way, in whatever direction you take it. if you seek destruction, it will come to you. if you intend to waste time, that's exactly what you get. and if you seek fruit, it will manifest. it has been so useful for me to understand this.

and i am really seeing it work. i clarify and set my intentions in the right direction, and i see possibilities open up. even in difficult situations, little flowers pop up.

on love and relationships

As with everything else larger than our puny lives, experiences, and reasoning faculties, this is true: You don't find love, love finds you

I have really been understanding this more and more.

What's more, relationships (romantic, familial, friend, and otherwise) are so random and conditional on so many levels. People are happy when they're on caffeine. People like you when you've got something to offer them, from sex to social capital to a sense of security, to even a sense of validation. We are bonded through our ability "to relate" to one another. How natural, I've said all along. It is indeed all part of human nature. But more and more, how random, is how I feel about that discovery.

This is making the necessary challenge very clear to me: unconditional happiness, unconditional love. I had never really understood before I started studying and practicing dharma just how one loves another human being no matter what. Lately, it's been making more sense to me, how the flow of love continues and continues and is not attached to a person, thing, or idea. And how it contributes to the world when you commit a simple act of unconditional love. And how freeing it is to be able to expand the heart to love just because, and come what may. And how certain people in our lives can serve the function to help us realize these things, but are not themselves the embodiment of love.